Sooo lonely…

 

Lately I feel so lonely, that I just can’t find a way out of this black hole. I’ve been searching for love, and right after I’ve decided I finally found it, it just gets rid of me, it slippes through my fingers, and goes on without me! Just passing by to say “hi”… and that hurts. I always fall in love with some idiots who are searching for nothing serious, however one of the guys I’ve fallen in love with(as I now realise) has actually been the only one searching for a true relationship - my ex-boyfriend. I dissagree with his methods of giving some fresh air into a relationship, however the fact he wanted to do so is very interesting thing. Now after the consecutive dissapointment I sit here in my room, lonlier than ever, and I that the relationship with my ex, is actually the  strongest relationship I’ve ever experienced. You would probably ask what my problem is? I cannot fully trust people, I just can not let myself being loved, I just can not believe someone can really love me and be faithful to me, I don’t believe it any more. If love is such a great feeling that beats everything, where is that love? I have never seen it? I don’t know it! I’m searching for it, okay what was the saying “those who search find” , but I didn’t. I see many examples of couples who just get pissed off by each other after a while, and they’re unfaithful, guys are liers, they never say the truth and there’s no way to find out are they faithful to you or not. And do they really like me? Why? What do they like in me?  They never say anything specific, just they like me, “love is blind” , perhaps that’s why it can’t see my desperate efforts to find it. Perhaps I’ve overreacted to the need for love, perhaps I just don’t need it any more, however the more I think about it the lonlier I feel. I cannot even clearly express what exactly I feel, it’s just lonliness, and I feal existencial loneliness - it is such a kind of lonliness, in which a person feel they have lost some bond with the cosmos. I can just sing Linkin Park’s song Numb - “I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there” 

 

Following the greatest ambition… or what do you dream of?

 

I’m sitting in my room and thinking what exactly means to “follow your ambitions”. I mean the greatest ambition of your life. You know - there’s always something that stands in the front row of your list of dreams. Some people say dreams are the most important thing; they even say that you are what your dreams are. And i wonder, isn’t reality more important than dreams? Being happy means to live as a happy person not dreaming about happiness. (You’d probably ask if al dreams make us unhappy, I don’t say dreams make us unhappy I just say they are just dreams, not a realhappiness )  Everyone is makingthe same mistake over and over again - they have big dreams, big ambitions, big plans about becoming a big ass. Where did the small things go?! The small little pleasures that make our day special, not the year, not the moh, just this one day. Then another day, and after that another 30 days. We all follow a golden rule, according to which “Life is the time that passes while we’re planning for the future” Would you really do ANYTHING  in order to make a dream come true? Many people would say “Yes”, but I say “NO” I wouldn’t risk my health, my nerves, my relationships with people I love, my own principles and rules, my self respect, my love just in order to reach something that required those sacrfices.

   Some people dream of living in a big house in California and having a lot of money, but these both cost nothing if you don’t have friends, do not have someone to trust, if you’re not healthy and if you don’t feel happy. You could say that one shouldn’t give up chasing teh Happiness. Yes, I agree that happiness is very very important, but it is deffinetely not something material. It is a condition of your soul, and there is no money, no house, no car that could replace your need for little pleasures, like laughing with friends, for example. You just think money is not enough and want more and more, then you become rich, but you don’t know what to do with all this money. Many people would choose to live in luxury rather than give to charities, but if you make a donation for a house with orphans, and then you come back to that house, the kids smile at you and you see how you’ve given hope. Do you now care about the “S-class” you didn’t buy? No, because now you feel a better person, you feel useful. No car could replace this feeling.

   Then you say: “All my life I’ve wanted to have an “S-class”, but you accidently came upon these children who needed your support. When you were planning to get rich enough to buy an “S-class” did you plan that? Probably not, because the best things cannot be planned. You should just feel what makes you happy and go for it, not ignore it and sacrifice it for the following of some dream. One should live for the moment, not in the future, because there will always be “tomorrow”, but in a few hours “today” is going to be a history and you’ll be sorry you didn’t just enjoy it…

 

Good night!

 

May The Force be with you!

What happens to the world? Lately all of us say that it has become a strange place, where no justice survive, love is hard to find and everyone thinks only about their own needs. However there is a hope… A small group of people, spread all over the world, who care about it. These are people who can always make you feel good, they can always make you laugh and they can always suit you. People who sometimes forget about their own needs so that they can help those who need them, people who live with the purpose to leave a good mark on this world. They want to change it and make it a better place, they believe in good and love, no matter what happens! They never give up, and never stop believing in you even when you’ve stopped! They live for the life and fight for it. We can simply call these people soldiers of fortune - but they are not that type of soldiers we are used to imagine. Their weapons are much stronger than any gun or sword. They feel a tremendous need to change an evil person by laying all of their love upon him! And even if someone doesn’t find a sense any more - they point him. The fact that they are only few can sometimes make them feel lonely or misunderstood but they still don’t give up. I don’t mean anyone specially, but I just say that I know such people exist! I’m not one of them I depend on many circumstances, and I don’t believe in good and love, and I’m full of doubts about so many values - just like many other people on this planet - but I’m sure these soldiers of fortune can change us. I don’t know how can someone care about others without thinkig about himself first, I just can not imagine that! I don’t know how  it is possible to believe in the good when you don’t see it. That’s why I’m not standing at the edge of the world. I really hope that some day I be shown that there is sense in the things I now find senseless! Perhaps I’ll meet one of those people. All of you who don’t stop trying to turn this world into a better place to live - you must consider the fact that people like self-destroying, they like their pessimiszm and they prefer to be bad than to bear bad things, they care only about themselves and they don’t understand you - but please don’t give up trying to change as many (even very small things) as possible!

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!!

 

The World Is Mine!

 

I’d like to drink a toast to the world!

Here I am - 16 years old, standing in front of the PC, because outside is cold and I have a sore throat, that’s why my parents didn’t let me go out with friends. Never mind! I’m still having fun here while I’m thinking about the future! I just stopped for a minute and took a look at the future - you know what? - I’ve never seen so many things! So many opportunities that are never missed(if you don’t use an opportunity - someone else will do it instead of you), so many people wanting to be my friends, so many boys in love with me, so many books full of sense and every one of them is going to teach me something, soo many interesting and exciting situations I’m about to experience, so many new kinds of music, so many peaks I must climb, soo many colleges that would want me to be their student, so many jobs I’ll be best at! And I also see myself after about 20 years having a career that non stop makes me prosper in all spheres of my life, having a family I love very much, having learnt soo many things, having met soo many people and standing on the edge of the world, singing:

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful worldI see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin’ hands, sayin’ “How do you do?”
They’re really saying “I love you”

I hear babies cryin’, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Oh yeah

May this dream come true!!! Cheers!

 

Can’t fight the moonlight!

Have you ever wondered why love always comes when we least expect it, in a time that we have so many things in our minds and so many other things to do. In a time that we are not ready to attach to anyone, when we have just created a harmony in our soul and don’t want anything to turn it into a disbalance. Then it just grabbs you and doesn’t let you think about anything else. You don’t wan’t to be captured in such a trap, and even though you say it’s nice, you try to live as normal as before. However, every time you meet, laugh togehter and talk, you better and better realise that there’s nothing you can do to help this feeling and you already know “You can’t fight the moonlight!”

 

Never give up!

 

Once we’ve been told that we should really respect the cleaners at school, because they are actually very smart and clever - most of them had a diploma and a higher education degree. Then, of course, we all laughed at that, because in the time we live you don’t need to be a specialist in job finding so that you understand that a diploma is not enough! OK, I wonder, why some people have a higher education degree and work as cleaners or shop assistants and still there are others who have never gone to college but are now bosses of some big companies? Yes, it is a fact and no matter who you ask they’ll all approve that statement. OK, why is that so? Perhaps there is something more than just a 4-year-time at college and diploma, perhaps it is a matter of personality skills. If you have a diploma but you are not good at communicating with people, you are lazy and not creative, even if you know a lot of facts you won’t find a job easily. But if you are very persistant, very good at human relationships and very creative and hard working - then you already know all you need to succed. It is a fact that in business schools in the USA people are being learnt how to obtain the “Soft Skills” and how to use them - that’s all! And what are these soft skills? - The ability to find a job, to work with people, to be creative and to know how to act in every kind of situation. It is very hard to find out what’s the job of your dreams, to make a clear go and to be very persistant in chasing it - this is a way on which you’ll probably find many impediments but you’ll have to be creative enough so that you can cope with everything! This is the most important thing - to be creative and know how to act in different situations, how to improve yourself and never give up your goals! Winston Churchill has said “Never Give Up” and, as we all know, he found a way to make his name immortal! Was he born famous? Noo, you cannot be born king, you must become one! Then you’ll be a winner. I want to be such a person!

 

Moments of emotions…

Why some books, films and songs make us cry? Perhaps because they are written or played in such a way that would really touch us. Every person has a different experience and  is interested in different things that’s why different things could make him/her cry. A song is just like a screaming of some kind of an emotion. It can be merry or sad, but it’s just like to scream that emotion - that’s why all the people in the world love music, Different kinds, yeah, but all love it! There are a lot of songs that really fix my mood ( Gwen Steffani-”Holalback Girl” ; Pussycat Dolls-”I don’t need a man” ; Pink-”U & Ur Hand” etc.) There are also ones that make me very sad, I’ve cried to only two of them (Evanescense-”My Immortal” ; Ozzy Ozborne-”Close my eyes forever” ); What about the books? Some of them are so well expressed that really touch our psychic and very well express things that we couldn’t find the right words to explain. It is not necessary that we’ve experienced all the things we cry about. But the point of a touching song or book or film is to make us feel the situation. I’ve cried at only one book - “Birds Thorn” Especially at the end which was a sad and after that the author continued the legend, anyway. I am able to write thausands of pages on that book! And quite after I have read the “Birds Thorn” and I was in a deap thinking about love and life and all the things happen, then I wathced “Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith”. That was the only part of the saga that was sad. The others also include some scary reality about war but also there was a hope for smth. good and there is a lot of action and fight and fiction that distracts you. But the third part included in itself all the sense of “Star Wars” I was very interested in Anakin’s character. He was ready to give his soul for those who loved. He had experienced sooo many things, he had thought about many many others and at that symbolical moment in which thousands of reporters and critics were interested - putting Darth Vader’s mask, I just couldn’t control my tears! I cried quietly at the cinema. On the way home I was thinking about the tragic in Anakin and that no-one understood him and that his love brought him to the dark side. The same love that is supposed to conquere everything! First I thought about Megan And Ralph, then I thought about Anakin ad I found myself into phylosophy thoughts, sad thoughts. When I went home I turned Ozzy Ozborne’s “Close My Eyes Forever” and that finished me! I just couldn’t really control my emotions!! I really had my cry out!! I just can’t find enough words so that I can in short explain the actual reasons that I cried. Lately I’ve become very stupid, I dun’no why

 

AMBER

My latest dreams….

                    

    

 

Where is the love?!

Here’s my latest dream - I wish someone teach the damn nurses how to give an injection properly!!! Jeez, playing darts seems more carefully action than their way of giving an injection! I thought they have studied medicine so that they can help people, but however, they appear to hate their job, they blame the patients for that and they don’t do their job perfectly! Everyobody says an injection hurts, so they just don’t take it in mind any more. Yeah, if they be sympathetic to all sick people, they’d get crazy. That’s how they’ve turned into cold-hearted, non interested in human’s pane people. So their primary whish to be helping people,  with the years turns them into misanthropes! Isn’t that an irony?!